on passing, love, and regret.

Great Grandma Smit passed away a few months ago.

It was hard not to feel pangs of guilt, the aftermath after she took her last breath.  Grandma was always quiet.  She said very little and usually just sat watching you play and chatter away with your cousins.

As I heard the stories and the memories about Grandma, I felt not just, "I miss Grandma," but "I missed Grandma."  I missed her while she was here, I missed out on getting to know her.

Even though I didn't see Grandma that much growing up, over the course of my life there were many parties that I could have sat next to her, asked her about her childhood, what it was like having eight children, what she missed most about Grandpa, why she loved Jesus, and so on.

But I didn't.  I was young enough to care more about presents, care more about me.  And the older I got, I didn't always know where to start.  So being with Grandma meant giving her a hug and telling her it was good to see her, but that was all.

Despite the regret, there are memories.  Touches of Grandma that thread through my childhood and my sibling's childhood too.  The receiving blankets that she crocheted borders to, wrapped around all of my brothers and sisters as infants.  The washcloths she made that wiped off sticky hands and counter tops   The handmade caramels that were the most important part of the Smit Family Christmas to my brother Isaac and I.  We would stuff our dress clothes pockets with them and savor them for days.

And one day, when I was small, she knelt down on the floor with me and helped me make a puzzle that was too difficult for me to do on my own.  Grandma was a master when it came to puzzles.  I never would have finished that Little Mermaid puzzle without her help.

As I reflected over the passing of Grandma, I wondered if regret was unavoidable.  Whether we don't spend enough time with our loved ones, don't listen enough, don't say I love you enough, or the last thing we said isn't what we wanted it to be... our lives are tinged with regret.  We just aren't as perfect as we want to be, and that unavoidably affects our relationships, especially with those who are closest to us.

A fallen world means fallen relationships, and we feel the sting most bitterly at the passing of loved ones.  What hope is there, when hurt is unavoidable?

As we sat in Grandma's funeral service, I was struck with the depth of her spirit and her love as I heard stories from the pastor and family members.  When Grandma died she left a legacy of love for Jesus and her family, and that legacy lives on today.  I experience it in my family and my extended family... and it is getting passed onto to the next generation already, to our cousins' children and my brother's newborn son Ezra.

This legacy is bigger than the regret in my own heart.  Through the very act of fellowship with family, through loving them and being present with them, we pass on their legacy of love to the ones they loved so dearly.  And one day, we too shall pass away and be reunited with Christ, our loved ones, and there will be no more tears.  The regret is soothed by being with family and making right what was wrong in the past through neglect or selfishness.

Not all families though have a legacy of Christ, or some parts of your family may be more broken than others.  The amazing thing is that the love, the legacy can start with you.  Anyone of us can choose to be the ones to break cycles of dysfunction and familial pain and be that Grandma or Grandpa.... the one that generations from now your children's children will remember and say, we are where we are because Great Grandma loved Jesus.

Abraham was a man like that.  He responded to the call of God and left a history of paganism to become a spiritual father to thousands of generations who love God.

Let the love of Christ take root in your own heart and share it with those you love.  You can change your family's story by letting the legacy begin with you. 

I am learning through all of this, to work on being present with those I love.  To focus, cut down distractions and cherish the moments because young or old, none of us are guaranteed to live tomorrow, next week, or next year.  I want to share the love of Christ everyday through word and deed.

 I  am thankful for Grandma.  I will remember her love for Jesus and her family.  And I look forward to giving her a hug again one day in heaven.

corner-cutting, a looking-glass, and true love

Friday morning last week I hit the snooze button.  Then I hit it again.  And then maybe once more.  I woke up a little flustered and hurried through my quiet time with God.  Checked my email.  Showered.  Dressed.  Facial routine.  Blow-dried my hair.  Ate breakfast.  And so on.

As I turned over the morning in my mind on the way to work, I got to thinking.  "How come the only thing that gets shortened or cut out of my routine in the morning when I oversleep is God?"

That made me uneasy.  How does blow-drying my hair somehow have greater importance than the One who knows how many hairs are on my head?

Where I cut corners shows where my heart lies.

I'm ashamed to say, my desire on Friday morning was to look presentable and not stink like a greasy animal.  I'm not saying that isn't a worthy goal that we all should strive for in the morning, but maybe there is something more, much more.

What if Jesus (our time with Him and just Him Himself) really was more important than anything?  I want that so badly and yet I have to keep working at it and remind myself to work at it.

When I was in high school my parents sent my brother and I on wilderness backpacking trips with a camp in the North Woods.  Their goal was to toughen us up, I think.  For nine days we didn't have deodorant, soap, or toilet paper.  We didn't have phones or watches, and the counselors only let us see enough map to get where we were going each day.

On the last evening of the trip, my group camped close to the main camp.  We were next to this old, abandoned looking cabin-shack.  It had a dirty glass window and as I passed by it with my handful of sticks for the fire I saw my reflection.  And for the first time in my life (since I was an infant I guess), I didn't recognize myself.  I hadn't seen myself for days and the faces that I really knew well were the faces of my counselors and the other girls in my group.

I think about that whenever I think deeply about the face of Jesus and what it would be like if I truly lost myself in Him.  Wouldn't it be amazing if we were in the Word and prayer so much all we could think of was the face of Jesus?  What if we forgot ourselves in our love for Him?

Love is like that.  When you fall in love with someone you lose your mind.  You stay up later than you should just to spend more time with them or one more minute on the phone.  You spend all your extra money buying them presents or saving up for cool dates.  You think about them every minute of the day... writing their name everywhere and counting down the minutes until you get to be with them again.

And it's awesome.  You wouldn't change it. You are in love.

What if Jesus really consumed us, what if we fell in love with Him?

"May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ."  2 Thessalonians 3:5

God is love.  Deep, strong, passionate, jealous, tender, holy, perfect, forgiving, unending love.  Are we willing to say yes to it?  Are we willing to lose ourselves in His love?

Can we commit to this love even when it is difficult?  When it calls for an early morning, a stressful day, or a lifetime of sacrifice?

I guess you could ask the same question to a young couple as they say their wedding vows.  Do you think this is worth it?  Do you think it's worth the imperfections, trials, and heartaches?  And as they look their loved one in the eye, they say "I do."

I'm saying yes to Jesus and I'm choosing to say yes everyday to His love.

His hand upon my head.

I love rubbing a baby's head. On infants, their soft new skin with feathery hair. On toddlers ruffling their hair as they run around in the yard. Whenever I see my little brother or nephews I touch their heads. I don't know if they appreciate this ritual the way I do, but I like to think they don't mind too much yet.

I was thinking about this the other day and it reminded me of one my favorite verses from Psalm 139, "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me."

This verse brought me to tears in high school. When my mom read this verse to me I realized that God really did love me, that His hand was upon me. I imagined His hand upon my head, me His beloved child.

Something about the love that is imparted through a simple placement of a hand really ran that truth home for me. Just like my hand rests briefly upon the head of my brother, my nephews, so too God's hand is upon me in a much more powerful and more loving way.

God's hand is upon you too. You may not feel it, you may doubt that He is there, but He loves you with a love deeper than you have ever known or will ever know. He knows your thoughts, your dreams, your suffering. He knows your heart. May you rest in the knowledge of His love, and feel its truth in your life.

pre-christmas thoughts

This post suddenly seems a bit ridiculous on a beautiful sixty degree day in November. Still, it is one thing that has been on my mind lately. Christmas.

I'm indulging this year in early Christmas planning. I'm hoping this will make me a bit more organized in December and allow me to make more things by hand (gifts, cookies, cards, etc). December budgets are tight and I need to be careful and wise.

More importantly though I want to prepare myself for Christmas this year so that I don't miss Jesus.

I don't know what it is about December, part of it could be having my birthday and Christmas in the same month makes me self-centered. Maybe its all the parties that create organized wrapping paper/cookie chaos. Maybe it's Santa.

Whatever it is, I struggle to focus on Jesus. I experience sadness on December 25th too often. I realize that day that I have once again wasted an advent season and missed the Christ Child.

I worry that this is a symptom of my everyday, all year. Missing Jesus.

In church the other day I was thinking about all the awesome names that Jesus has. King of Kings, the Good Shepherd, Water of Life, Emmanuel, Lamb of God, Lion of Judah. I want to know this Jesus.

Jesus. His name is filled with power, grace, and love... and I pass over it daily, tacking onto my prayers "In Jesus' name, Amen" hardly giving a thought to what it means. We pray, "In Jesus' name" because Jesus became our High Priest, our Mediator between us and the Father through His sacrifice on the cross. And it all started in the stable. The Kings of Kings in a manger. And I forget that all too often.

I want to focus the next couple months on Jesus... learning more about Him. Learning about His attributes, His names. Falling in the love with Him. Getting ready to celebrate His birthday with joy and love.

This next Christmas I may experience some sadness. Sadness because Christmas changes each year as our families get older, traditions vary and change. Even though I may feel down, I don't want to be sad because I missed Jesus this year.

Jesus, please meet me, not just at Christmas, but every day of the year. Teach me Your ways, You are Truth, You are Life, You are the Way. You are amazing, and I love You.

our weekend

We had a very fun weekend. I realize it more and more as I look back on it.

Saturday we:

• Baked banana muffins
• Watched "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown"
• Took a nap
• Attempted screen printing for the first time (definite fail, but we will try again!)
• Watched a movie
• And ate ice cream sandwiches.

Sunday we:

• Went to church
• Painted signs and carved a pumpkin
• Dressed up like we were tailgating
• Walked to Starbucks with Anna (pumpkin spice latte for me and a mocha for Tim)
• Hung out at Trunk or Treat
• Admired the cute costumes (personal favorite: triplets dressed as dalmation puppies)
• And went to McDonald's with Pete and Rachel. As Rachel said in her sweet blog, we got to see God's love at work. Though I was reluctant to go to McDonald's at first, it was clear that we were meant to be there to help a sister in need.

This weekend was short, this weekend was good. Thank You Lord for friends, rest, and love.

*Photo courtesy of Anna Bobalik

forgiven

"To err is human, to forgive, divine." Alexander Pope

I have been pondering the difficulty and blessing of forgiveness over the last two weeks. Not just pondering, I guess, more like living forgiveness. Its pretty interesting too that I had to be on both sides of it. I have needed forgiveness and needed to give it on two separate occasions.

Somedays I don't know which is worse.

It is difficult at times to forgive. To forgive someone who has wronged, particularly when you have been wronged repeatedly in the exact fashion of the previous offense. Saying this I feel myself echoing Peter's question, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus answers Peter and I, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven."

It's a hard saying. It feels as though you have no protection from the pain. Seventy times seven, the ultimate number isn't important, it's the idea that forgiveness is unlimited.... and when I don't forgive, the resentment simmers, threatening to boil over.

I had to work on this one last week, I needed to forgive. I had forgiven previous offenses, but the last couple were festering in my soul. I knew it wasn't holy, and I asked God for help. He came through. Forgiveness.

I forgave and let God calm my stormy waters. And I must forgive repeatedly until the wrong is forgotten, lost in love.

I also struggled with being forgiven recently.

I hate making mistakes. I weep my eyes out and beat my soul and mind silly over them. Hearing that I'm forgiven after I have personally flogged myself is always so wonderful, but I always have to take care that I don't continue the torture after I'm forgiven.

Maybe I think the self-punishment will merit forgiveness. Maybe I just feel too deeply. Maybe it's pride. Whatever it is, I don't always just take the forgiveness easily, it works itself in slowly.

I particularly hate it when the person I wronged is the person I love the most in the world, my husband. Hurting him is one of my worst nightmares. And I punish myself thoroughly for it. He is always so quick to forgive when I ask him. It puzzles me. I expect anger, frustration. But he forgives and reminds me that he will always love me, and he loves me just the same as he did before if not more.

Why is this unexpected, even confusing? Because it isn't our nature, remember what Pope said? It's divine.

God forgives, humans don't. We hang onto the pain when we ourselves are hurt, or we punish ourselves for the pain we have caused.

Jesus Himself, who carried the sin of the world on His shoulders and was wrongly killed though innocent and perfect... forgave us while on the cross. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34

How powerful, how divine. It puts my efforts at forgiveness into perspective. God has forgiven me all, can I not forgive my brothers, my sisters? God has forgiven and taught others to forgive, can I not accept forgiveness from others?

Forgiveness is the kind of thing I think I have under control when there is no one that needs my forgiveness. These last couple weeks were a good reality check. Forgiveness must be a way of life.

I am so thankful that there are people in my life that have taught me forgiveness first hand. Tim, thank you for showing me what forgiveness looks like again. I love you.

My prayer is that I will be quick to forgive and eager to love. Jesus, please make me more like You.

a fortnight and a half in review

Wow. The last few weeks have been crazy. Good, stressful, tearful, and blessed. Can all of those things be contained in 21 days? Certainly.

I have been wanting to write all this time and I haven't found the space in between family, church, work, vacation, a wedding, and friends.

Generally, I write lovely monday posts on Mondays. Today, I'm going to write a little differently. Today, I elaborate.

A fortnight and a half in review:

1. The week before our vacation with family was one of the most stressful weeks at work ever. Period. But somehow, even though I was frustrated and cried many tears, I didn't collapse like other weeks. I found strength in the Lord through the Psalms. God was my refuge, a very present help in my time of trouble. My weaknesses didn't disappear, but God was strong in every circumstance.

2. We went on vacation with Tim's family to the Northwoods. It was very relaxing and fun. We got to spend quality time with Tim's parents, siblings, their spouses, and our adorable nieces and nephews. We also took hikes, boat rides, waterskied, and fished. I caught a ten-inch bass with Tim, and I'm pretty sure it was the first decent fish I had ever cast for and reeled in. Thank you husband for the valuable fishing lesson, that bass was a small beauty.

3. Saturday my dear brother Isaac married his lovely wife Alysa. I am so happy for them, and I'm so excited to see where God takes them in the future. Like I said in my last blog, I'm looking forward to the day they live next door to Tim and I so our future children can grow up together. Well, unless the Lord wills it that may never happen.... but even so I'm looking forward to family reunions, and trips to each other's homes, and all other good things that come with growing up.

4. My roommate from college and her husband came to stay with us over the weekend and came to the wedding. It was so fun to hang out with them, we are very blessed by their friendship.

5. Yesterday Tim and I played our first show in awhile at a church on the North Shore. It was extremely fun, we enjoyed playing and talking to people that came and the other musicians that played after the show. We are hoping that this show will give us a little momentum as we look into playing some more.

6. I started my new position at work today, and felt very relaxed... and very little stress. It was awesome. I'm looking forward to dreaming, writing, and singing more with the extra mental energy I experienced today.

7. God's love and faithfulness to Tim and I is never ending. I am overwhelmed with how He has cared for us this year, and amazed at how He continues to draw Tim and I closer to Himself and to each other.

These are a few lovely happenings from my past few weeks... hopefully it wasn't too boring. How is God working in your life? What beautiful things did you see today? I'd love to hear about them. Love and peace.

on the eve of your wedding day: isaac & alysa

To Isaac & Alysa:

Tomorrow is your wedding day. You made it. All the planning and waiting is almost over. Tomorrow you will finally be husband and wife. Your love for each other and commitment to Christ is a witness and a joy to everyone around you.

God brought you two together, may He always reign in Your marriage. You two are a blessing to your families and a blessing to me. Tim and I can't wait to live next door to you. :-) Love and prayers.

an act of love

On the way to work the last few days I have been listening to worship music. Work has been difficult of late, and it has been one of several efforts to get my mind at peace before entering the glass doors of the center.

I have also been reading the Psalms, each one a perfect piece of worship.

It seems so easy sometimes. Worship. When other people do it.

I have never been much of a hand raiser or dancer. Only on a very rare occasion. And I worry at times that a worshipful awe is not often the attitude of my heart.

I don't think worship can be practiced without an understanding of love. And I have hope, for I'm beginning to know love.

It is so easy to worship an idol, especially one that you love dearly, and one that loves you in return. My husband has been my most beloved idol, and it is easy to "worship" his existence and cling on his every word. I know that he loves me, and I love him. It isn't hard to think about him, dream about him, talk about him, and spend all my time with him.

Tim doesn't have to love me. But he loves me unconditionally. It really blows my mind sometimes that he loves me after discovering my crazy side, my weird side, and my dark side. I mean, it's easy to like someone on a date, but after you know everything... it's a little more difficult.

And God knows all of those things.... and more. And He loves and He loves. To the point of death.

The depth of that love is unfathomable, I cannot reach the bottom. Maybe, just maybe, going deeper into that love will bring me to a place of true worship? Maybe understanding His love for me will bring me to my knees in love, honor, joy, and gratitude?

It also helps me to think about how wonderful God is. When I think about my husband Tim, I love to think about the things that make him wonderful. His love, his faithfulness, his kindness, his sense of humor, his graciousness, his wisdom.... and on and on.

Making a list about Tim makes me think of all those words we toss around in worship songs for our Bridegroom in heaven.... gracious, loving, holy, mighty, faithful, just, beautiful, and the list goes on forever. Reflecting on the wonderful things about the Lover of my soul helps me love Him in return.

"How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure.

That He should give His only Son,

To make a wretch His treasure."

-Stuart Townend

Little by little, God is helping me understand His love.... and that is bringing me back to worship. Knowing His love for me, and reflecting on His attributes brings my heart to its knees in wonder.... a place that I wish it was at more often than I can admit to.

What is keeping you from worship? Busyness? Other idols? Doubt? Apathy? I've been there, and I'm still there, too often. Start seeking personal worship time. It's too easy to think Sunday morning worship will be good enough. It can't be. Worship is for everyday. It's a heart issue. It's an act of love.

Seek the Lord with me, He's waiting for us.

memorial stones

Have you ever wondered why God doesn't seem to work in your life? Do you wish He would move in a big way...show you a sign? If you have read any of the stories in the Old Testament God shows His might in incredible ways. Parting the Red Sea, the sun stood still, manna from heaven, etc. I used to wish that God would do something big like that in my life... like part the Pacific Ocean or rain down Skittles. Something like that.

Most often I wasn't looking for a seismic event... I just wanted to see someone healed or see Jesus work some other miracle.

I have pondered this often... and I have begun to wonder if I miss or simply forget the ways God has worked miracles and provided for needs in my life.

Last week one of my family members was hospitalized. It freaked us all out pretty good. I cried after talking to my mom, fearing the worst and praying that our fears wouldn't be realized.

The next day, I heard that my cousin was completely better. The doctors couldn't explain it. I know many people were praying... a miracle?

Thinking back over my family's past, I remember things that God has done... unexplainable healings, a heart transplant, protection through pregnancies, cancer and other illnesses. Provision of work, food, and homes even in the toughest times. If you really want to, I'm sure you could explain these things away... the Pharisees tried too. After they heard Lazarus was raised from the dead they sought to kill Jesus and Lazarus (John 11 & 12). Signs don't create faith.

But I think they can strengthen it.

In the Old Testament the Israelites were prone to forget (like me) the things that God had done in their lives. In order to combat this tendency, God would ask them to set up a memorial to help them remember the work He had done in their midst.

In Joshua 3, we read about how God allowed the Israelites to cross the Jordan river on dry ground. In the following chapter, the Lord says this to Joshua,

"Take twelve men from the people, from each tribe a man, and command them saying, 'Take twelve stones from here out of the midst of the Jordan, from the very place where the priests' feet stood firmly, and bring them over with you and lay them down in the place where you lodge tonight."

The Joshua called the twelve men from the people of Israel, whom he had appointed, a man from each tribe. And Joshua said to them,

"Pass on before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder according to the number of tribes among the people of Israel, that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come 'What do these stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever." Joshua 4:2-7

I think I need to take the time to pick up memorial stones when God works in my life. I think I can do a better job of recording the mighty things He has done, and reflecting upon them in the valleys... as well as upon the multitude of ways He has worked in His word.

He has provided for me and cared for me in so many ways... may I never forget His grace and love.

What are some ways God has worked in your life?

idols part two

You may have read my previous post about idols. And you may not have had the time. If you didn't, the post was about how I put things before God, and how afraid I am of losing them.

Somehow I feel like my love for the good thing will be diminished if I love God more, I will lose them, I will enjoy them less.

My husband has been the hardest idol to let go of. For the last three years he has been the most important thing in the world to me as we met, dated, fell in love, and got married. How can the love of my life become less that God may be more?

I had a revelation the other day that has made me change my mind.

I was with Tim and I realized keeping him in the high place of idolatry is not about loving him, as strange as that might seem. It's about loving me. Idolizing him is making him something he is not, a god. It puts pressure on him to perform. It creates a false sense of security when I am with him, and a sense of despair when he is absent.

It is about my comfort, my happiness. Giving Tim to God is the greatest thing I can do for him, but my hands grip tightly, and the fingers are being peeled back one by one.

I have to stop loving my happiness more than God. And I must give Him my most beloved idol.

My heart goes out the Israelites and their struggle with idolatry. No longer will I look down upon you my sisters, my brothers. I too, must give my heart to God.

Last time I wrote about idols I was desperate, struggling to see that the change would be worthwhile, and the best for both me and my beloved husband. Today I am seeing that slowly, but surely it is making all the difference. May God be first now and forevermore. Amen.

grace over guilt

Why is grace so surprising? Today..... nineteen years after I started following Christ?

I keep coming back to it, after trying again, only to realize... "Silly Abby, works are for kids."

Actually, good works seem to trip us all up, whether we are young or grown-up....and if it isn't pride over holiness, it is guilt. That all consuming, spirit paralyzing guilt. Or it's both, rapidly succeeding each other in turn... pride over the good, guilt over the pride.

As a follower of Christ, so often I find myself beating up my soul over the good I cannot do.

For example:

Why can't I love that person?

Why do I obsess over my image?

Why am I sad, instead of thankful?

Why don't I read my Bible and pray like I should?

Why don't I love God more?

Why do I say stupid things?

Why don't I tell people about Christ?

Why do I worry about what others think?

Why do I get distracted in worship?

Why am I self absorbed?

And the guilt crushes, and the list of the undone and things done I feel bad about could go on forever.

And God says, "I love you Abby."

What? Didn't you just hear my list? And Lord, I know You know the evil in me that I don't even know about. You love me?

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him may not perish, but have eternal life."

I forget that God so loved me, and He already knew my list. That terrible list. And He sent Jesus to free me from the sin that ensnares me.

Lately, I have been seeing just how much God is the one who works in my life. So many good things have been happening.... and I stand in awe and say, "Without the Lord and His grace, not one thing would have been possible." I can truly say all good comes from the Father. He's freeing me from the filthy rags, the works I cannot perform.... and showing me what life is like when all good is attributed to Him... and I stop trying to save myself.

Life with God really is beautiful. I don't have to prove to Him that I will overcome my list, He can overcome it in my life through His power. How amazing is that?

His grace makes me laugh for joy. I'm lost in His love.

sheep ears

I have a terrible secret. I am terrible at remembering names. Don't try and console me. You are not nearly as hopeless as I am. More often than not I have forgotten your name within 1.5 seconds after you introduced yourself.

By the end of our conversation, I'm not hearing a thing you are saying... I'm completely absorbed in this question, "Is your name unique, or are you Jessica like everyone else?" Don't be offended if I simply address you as "Hey!" next time we meet. I'm just waiting for context clues. Someone will say your name, eventually.

It's not that I don't like you or think that you aren't the most pleasant person I have ever met. It's just this: my ears are dyslexic. Or they think they are. They are very bad listeners and they blame their squirreliness on my too often absent brain. When listening to a sermon, I usually hear the hook that was carefully crafted to pull me in. But my mind loses interests with points to follow and leads on to various places that connect like the Florida Keys.

It usually begins with an analysis of neighboring shoes - no shoe ever escapes my steady gaze. Which makes me think about my own fleecy shoes that use to graze on greener pastures. Thinking about sheep makes me think about their less friendly cousins, goats.

Soon I'm dreaming about goat gouda pizza and simultaneously lamenting my cow milk allergy. My thoughts escape the grassy hills and cloven hooves as I ponder the number of allergies in the room. I satisfy myself by assuming every one else also has allergies, they just don't know it yet.

Then I feel bad that I have inadvertently wished headaches and stomach cramps upon the assembled congregation. I ask for forgiveness for my malicious thoughts and wandering mind to focus in on the last 10 minutes of the sermon. I take diligent notes to keep myself on track and realize that God loves me in my distracted, lost sheep frame of mind. What a beautiful thing.

He loves me and He loves you. And I love you. And if you want me to remember your name, you should write it down. My ears are such careless creatures, you know.

saving grace, perfect love

God has been moving....and I haven't done a thing. This is true. God has been working in my life and I have noticed that it hasn't been a matter of my motivation, boot strap pulling, or any other form of self help. God has been my Savior, and He has shown me His grace.

A few weeks ago, I came to a time of crisis. Thoughts and sins that I had struggled with for years and years were tormenting my mind, and I confessed them to my husband. To be specific, fears about hell and salvation, fears about what I might do to those I love, fears that I might lose my loved ones, etc.

At times these things got better, there were breakthroughs where I felt like I finally felt God's love.... felt like I was going in the right direction. Then it all started coming back. Somehow being in a new home does that for me. Sometimes a new location is all you need for old weaknesses to creep back in, unexpectedly.

But the confession was freeing, and the acceptance and love I received from Tim as I confided in him things I had never uttered before proved to me that if a sinful human being could forgive me, God would too.

The next day I went to church completely broken, and left the sanctuary completely loved and forgiven.

Pastor Bob preached from the fifth chapter of Mark. In this chapter Jesus heals a woman who had an incurable discharge of blood for twelve years. This woman was unclean in that culture, unfit to worship. She was cut off from God. Her secret disease was literally draining the life from her. She crept up cautiously to Jesus on her hands and knees hoping to touch His robe and be healed.

I began to weep in church because I knew that this woman was me. I have identified with her earlier in my life because of a similar sickness I was afflicted with in high school. I knew that if God could heal that woman of such a serious ailment, He could heal me too. And He did. Through many prayers and treatments I was healed. But, I was still bleeding in my soul.

When the woman touches Jesus, she feels that she is healed. Jesus however, calls her out and asks "Who touched me?" The woman falls before Jesus and tells Him her whole story, to which Jesus says to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease."

I sat in the pew and wept. Jesus really had forgiven me. He knew everything that had entered my heart, and every thought that had ever left its stain upon my mind. He loved me. He LOVED me. For the last twelve years I had put band aid after band aid on my soul, only to have them soak through time after time. But Jesus healed my soul, the bleeding had stopped, and I have such deep joy and peace.

I have tried for so long to be my own Savior.... it has taken me so long to understand God's love and grace. But now I know that indeed, every good thing in my life is God's doing. I don't have to be perfect, Jesus is my perfection. And He loves me, and I need not fear.

I am my Savior's, and He is mine.

If you are reading this, I don't know where you are at in your walk with God. You might be thinking, I'm glad Abby finally gets this whole love thing. Or you might be thinking, I don't get this love thing at all. If you don't understand God's love, or you feel like you need to do something to make Him love you.... you don't. Nothing you will ever do will make Him love you. He already loves you. He has loved you from the beginning of time, and He will love you forever. He wants to be your life. Ask Him to draw near to you. He can heal your bleeding soul. He loves you.