spring

my shoulders relax as the sun defrosts my body,

the stress, the cold that made me ache melts away.

my mood lifts as the temperature rises

and I feel that I'm alive again, I'm being renewed.

the sky is bluer, the air is warmer.

I can hear the birds once again, the breeze is fragrant.

the wind doesn't cut through to my bone, down to the marrow.

I welcome the rush round my face and through my hair.

the clouds are golden as the sun sets after dinner.

I don't mourn its departure, for I know tomorrow,

tomorrow it will rise before I do and wake me with its brightness,

and the day will be new, fresh, and light.

once again death is held at bay, the cold is banished.

for a time we will revel in the sun and heat

and remember that no cold will ever stay forever

and death will never win.

hope

I get my hopes up, too fast.

Let's back track a little bit. I love change. Yes, change is difficult. Having moved so many times growing up, I always missed what I had left behind, but I got this insatiable desire for adventure in return. Like Pa Ingalls, "My wandering foot gets to itching," and I'm ready to pack up and move on.

This thirst for adventure gets twisted up in my sense of purpose. Then I feel lost.

"Where I am going?"

"What is the point?"

"Is this it?"

I think about all the things I hope for, the people I want to minister to, the places I'd like to go, the books I want to write, all the things I want to accomplish...I take a look around me and I wonder if those things I hope for so desperately will ever happen. Because I just can't see it right now.

I worry that my dreams are not valid, not important to God. I worry that they don't really line up with His purposes.

I worry that if I do get to fulfill those dreams, I'll get to the other side and say, "That's it? All these years for this?"

I've already seen in my 24 years a pattern with the purposes of God. He may not give you exactly what you want, in the timing you want, or the way you want it. But it is always perfect, and better than what you wanted in the first place. So why worry right?

Easy to put on paper (or screen, I should say), much more difficult to put into emotional practice.

When the future husband, child, job, college, ministry... whatever it is you are hoping for consumes your thoughts constantly, it's not that easy to say "Lord Your will be done." We want to say, "Lord my will be done, please give it Your blessing."

Today, it dawned on me that I have been hoping for good things the wrong way. I hope to have children someday, hope to have a ministry to immigrants and the disabled, hope to live in a different context, hope to be a published author, etc. Are these things wrong and sinful? Not really. But the way I hope for them is.

I have been placing my hope in these things, rather than just hoping they would happen. How do I differentiate between the two? Like this:

When I place my hope in these things, every setback to their fulfillment leaves me hopeless. I feel empty, purposeless, and depressed. I question, "Why am I here right now?" and give myself an early morning pity party before work. I can't see God moving in my circumstances because I have placed all my hope in different circumstances.

I haven't placed my hope in God.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8:24-25

My hope doesn't rest in the unseen. I'm "hoping" in the things of this world, thinking that a change will make me feel happier and more fulfilled. That I will be more in line with God's purposes if I'm doing the things that I am passion about. These things are good, but I cannot place my hope in them... I cannot trust in them.

Even if I was in a dark prison with no food, waiting for my execution I could place my hope in God, in the unseen. I could know that His purposes, though inscrutable at times, were good and I would be with Him for eternity.

Though my circumstances stay the same, though my dreams continue to be dreams, and though all desires may not be fulfilled, I can place my hope in the God who created me and know that He is sovereign in this place. The place that I am today, whether that is the same tomorrow or fades away.

I pray that God would change my heart, that it would always long for the things He longs for. That I would dream about Him and desire His ways.

Instead of looking for the next big change, maybe God Himself is my adventure?

My hope is in You, Your will be done.

to the faint and weary

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
The Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
And to him who has not might He increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
And young men shall fall exhausted;
But they who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up on wings like eagles;
They shall run and not be weary;
They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

a quiet heart

Sometimes the darkness feels too great. Everything feels wrong and nothing feels light. Things you once clung to with confidence crumbled, and the sweet is now bitter to your taste.

And now your heart aches, not from one wound, but from a hundred little disappointments that surround your tired soul.

Busyness of life and stress have threatened to consume me. I've sat and cried repeatedly for the smallest of things that I wasn't strong enough for. My soul was troubled.

"You believe in God, believe also in Me."

I started reading Elisabeth Elliot's devotional "Keep a Quiet Heart" today.

In the opening chapter she talks about how Jesus slept through the storm, a storm that absolutely terrified his fisherman disciples. Elliot writes about how Jesus went through all of His life with a quiet heart because He had what Kierkegaard called purity of heart- to will one thing. Elliot says that one thing was the will of His Father.

I want to will one thing too. My Father's will.

If I am willing His will, the hundred little troubles will lose their heaviness when they are seen with My Father's eyes.

A difficult person- a chance to show God's love.

Trials at work- a chance to put others first and serve the least of these.

Busy with others- a chance to put others before myself.

Negative self image- a chance to find confidence in the One who made me.

Too often I allow the busyness I so despise to keep me from being with the One who can get me through each day, my Lord. I must find time to quiet myself before Him each day and all day that I may rest quietly with Him through the storm.

strength in weakness

I hate failure. And failure is where I am. I perceive failure in every movement of my being.

Friendships. Fail.

Work. Fail.

Art & Writing. Fail.

Housekeeping. Epic fail.

I was beating myself up today over all of the things I just can't seem to get right. Why do I still struggle? Why am I still so weak? Why am I a failure?

I sat and cried and pondered the things I haven't accomplished. The things I have messed up. The people I have offended. The unused potential. The distance between me and my God.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

These verses breathe new life into me. Christ's power is made perfect in my weakness. It shouldn't come as any surprise to me that I fail, that I'm weak, that I can't do it on my own. In fact, there is grace in the recognition of weakness, for then in Christ I am strong.

When I am weak at work, at home, at church, in relationships... it is in those moments that Christ can be magnified as He proves Himself strong though I am weak, though I fail.

I don't need to pity myself for my weakness, and cry over my failings. I must turn my eyes upon Jesus, and rely on Him for His strength and grace in my darkness.

And in the darkness, when I have no words, the Spirit intercedes.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words." Romans 8:26

How wonderful is it that we have a Savior who is greater than all our sin? A Savior who is strong in our weakness? A Spirit that intercedes for us? A Father who loves us?

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

Jesus walked on this earth and experienced life as a human being. He knows our weakness through experience, but He overcame them. He will give us grace and mercy in our time of need. How wonderful, how divine is the love of Christ for us?

This day was not easy for me, but it has brought me closer to the One who knows me by name and is strong in my weakness. May you find mercy, grace, hope, love, and strength in your Savior.

spring will come

I'm thankful that spring is on its way. It is hard to believe it today while the weather turns icy and we have sleet and snow. But the snow doesn't stay forever now, and the sun rises earlier everyday. Soon flowers will bloom, the birds will sing, and the wind will be gentle.

Spring will come, it will be warm again soon.