despair not

A week ago we had a worship night at church. It was great to spend an extended amount of time worshipping. So often my thoughts get lost in the shuffle on Sunday mornings, and it was so good to spend an hour praising God through song.

One song's lyrics really struck me in particular that night, "Before the Throne of God Above."

"When Satan tempts me to despair,

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there,

Who made an end to all my sin."

Unfortunately for me, I am tempted to despair all too often. It might be the number one way to bring me down. Whether it is depressed thoughts on the way to work in the morning, freak out mode before a large group event, or just a bad case of the doldrums I tend to despair.

I don't know how many of you fall into depression, but if you do, you know that the easiest place to look is never up. Your eyes are trained inward or downward. One sad thought leads to another and you are lying on your bed crying your eyes out before you know it.

My mind is often filled with depression, "I look fat today. I can't work one more day at this job. She must be upset with me. I don't have it in me. I feel sick, I'm just not getting better. I just.... can't."

So that was last week for me. And that song struck me on Friday, struck me in between the eyes.

And then I read from "Keep a Quiet Heart." Elliot wrote about how prayer is a battle, one that Satan desperately doesn't want me to engage in. If I work fine, but pray? That is the last thing he wants.

Where would the evil one like to keep me? In a state of prayerless despair.

This week was different. While work didn't change, I changed and I enjoyed it. I felt rested even when I didn't sleep as much. I spent time with Jesus, and things were clearer. I looked up and there He was, my Love.

It wasn't perfect, but it was joyful.

I guess it takes me more than a few times to learn the same the lesson. Thankfully, He still loves, He is faithful, He is merciful.

"Be persuaded, timid soul, that He has loved you too much to cease loving you." -Archbishop Fenelon

heaven's worship

"No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His servants will worship Him. They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever." Revelation 22:3-5

I can't say I always get excited for worshipping God in heaven. As a kid I used to think, "Singing to God forever and ever? I love Him, I know, but I can hardly make it through Sunday morning worship, and that is only 6 0r 7 songs!" How will I worship God forever and ever?

Reading the above verses gives me hope... Revelation is incredibly beautiful, and there are verses that resonate deeply within me.... "They will see His face." I know that I long to see the face of my sweet Savior, and I'm sure that seeing it in glory will give me something to sing about for a few thousand years at least.

Also, I don't know that my childhood vision of singing forever and ever will be perfectly realized. There will be the wedding feast, and I'm sure we will do all kinds of wonderful things in heaven, just like we do on earth, just perfectly, and each thing we do will be worship because it is heaven. Maybe we will paint, travel, run, write, and more. You never know.

On Sunday, I felt like I got a taste of the coming glory in heaven. Tim and I were blessed with the opportunity to lead worship. We gave our regular worship team (who is amazing by the way!) a break and sang several songs and played guitar and mandolin.

I can't say I was siked for this on Sunday morning.... I was absolutely terrified. My stomach hurt and I was ready to panic. I couldn't do this, I'd never done this. Sure, Tim and I have played music before, but never worship. This was important!

We prayed about it before the service started and gave it to God. It was all for Him anyway, it was wrong of me to worry and worry about messing up. So we sang and played for Him with the congregation.

I have never been in front of church to hear the congregation singing like that... and it was so beautiful. And one point during "Blessed Be Your Name" it was like the heavens opened and I got a ethereal taste of what it will be like when we are all singing to our Beloved.

I'm not afraid to worship God forever anymore, I think it is going to be the most wonderful, most fulfilling and amazing thing we will ever experience.... and it will go on forever and ever. How beautiful is that?

Maybe you don't think so... maybe worship still seems.... difficult. That's ok, I've been there and I'm still working through this process. I don't always worship very well when I do things I don't like to do. Worship seems more inviting somedays than others. I think that is why it has to become the theme of our whole lives. Worship when we rise, worship when we speak, worship when we do the dishes, worship when we create, worship when we care for our families, worship when we sing, worship when we rest.... and on and on.

This life was meant for something else. It was meant for Christ. What would it look like if we were all worshipping all the time through every task and chore. I'd say it might look like heaven... what do you think?

an act of love

On the way to work the last few days I have been listening to worship music. Work has been difficult of late, and it has been one of several efforts to get my mind at peace before entering the glass doors of the center.

I have also been reading the Psalms, each one a perfect piece of worship.

It seems so easy sometimes. Worship. When other people do it.

I have never been much of a hand raiser or dancer. Only on a very rare occasion. And I worry at times that a worshipful awe is not often the attitude of my heart.

I don't think worship can be practiced without an understanding of love. And I have hope, for I'm beginning to know love.

It is so easy to worship an idol, especially one that you love dearly, and one that loves you in return. My husband has been my most beloved idol, and it is easy to "worship" his existence and cling on his every word. I know that he loves me, and I love him. It isn't hard to think about him, dream about him, talk about him, and spend all my time with him.

Tim doesn't have to love me. But he loves me unconditionally. It really blows my mind sometimes that he loves me after discovering my crazy side, my weird side, and my dark side. I mean, it's easy to like someone on a date, but after you know everything... it's a little more difficult.

And God knows all of those things.... and more. And He loves and He loves. To the point of death.

The depth of that love is unfathomable, I cannot reach the bottom. Maybe, just maybe, going deeper into that love will bring me to a place of true worship? Maybe understanding His love for me will bring me to my knees in love, honor, joy, and gratitude?

It also helps me to think about how wonderful God is. When I think about my husband Tim, I love to think about the things that make him wonderful. His love, his faithfulness, his kindness, his sense of humor, his graciousness, his wisdom.... and on and on.

Making a list about Tim makes me think of all those words we toss around in worship songs for our Bridegroom in heaven.... gracious, loving, holy, mighty, faithful, just, beautiful, and the list goes on forever. Reflecting on the wonderful things about the Lover of my soul helps me love Him in return.

"How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure.

That He should give His only Son,

To make a wretch His treasure."

-Stuart Townend

Little by little, God is helping me understand His love.... and that is bringing me back to worship. Knowing His love for me, and reflecting on His attributes brings my heart to its knees in wonder.... a place that I wish it was at more often than I can admit to.

What is keeping you from worship? Busyness? Other idols? Doubt? Apathy? I've been there, and I'm still there, too often. Start seeking personal worship time. It's too easy to think Sunday morning worship will be good enough. It can't be. Worship is for everyday. It's a heart issue. It's an act of love.

Seek the Lord with me, He's waiting for us.