with child: God saves

My friend Lindsey is hosting a motherhood series on her blog called "with child."  This week I wrote the guest post about motherhood, failure, and the gospel.  You can read my post at Lindsey's blog Redeeming Naptime.  Please check out Lindsey's great posts on faith and parenting while you are there.  The series will continue through next month with a different mom posting each Tuesday.  Thanks for reading!

Here is an excerpt of my post:

"...Our identity needs to be rooted in something unchanging, something that cannot be taken away. Ultimately motherhood is no more guaranteed than anything else in this world. We may not get to be mothers, we may lose our children through tragedy, and ultimately, our children will grow up and move away from us. What will we be when there are no more mouths to feed and tiny tears to dry?..."

further up and further in: novels and our spiritual journey

This week I started Middlemarch by George Eliot for the third time.  This time I'm determined to finish it.  I tried reading it in high school, and never got into it either from it not being more like Jane Austen or it being a little too advanced.  In college it was assigned for my British Novel class my junior year, but I had a stack of 11 novels to read that spring semester along with the rest of my homework and too many extra curricular activities, so a poor skimming of the first 100 pages or so was as far as I got.

It's funny to find myself enjoying a book that I had not enjoyed two times before, but this is certainly not the first time this has happened to me.

I always tried reading books that were a little too advanced for me when I was younger, for two reasons: I loved reading and was always looking for something new to read, and because I would certainly take pride in reading a book that was considered too difficult for someone my age.

Against my mother's advice I tried reading A Tale of Two Cities in 5th grade.  I had seen the Wishbone episode with the terrier starring as Charles Darnay and didn't think it could be too hard.  That book was soon set aside after reading a confusing chapter about a knitting woman and references to a revolution I hadn't studied yet.

In junior high I slaved over the pages of Emma after loving the movie with Gwyneth Paltrow.  I finished it, but the story was much richer and easier to understand when I read it over again in high school.

In high school I spent over a year reading War and Peace off and on.  As an adult I read Anna Karenina with much less effort and better comprehension.

As I considered these misadventures and failures in reading, I thought about my spiritual life.  In high school I got emotional in an apologetics class when the teacher suggested that children didn't really understand the gospel when they accepted Christ at a young age.  I spoke up and shared that my conversion experience as a four year old was very real, and I knew that I had accepted the gospel to the level I was capable of at that age.  At that time in my life, I was seriously doubting areas of my faith, but deep down I knew that the day I accepted Jesus as my Savior in our apartment in South Carolina, something had changed and altered the course of my life.

I think saying someone could not have a genuine spiritual experience when they are a small child would be like saying I could not read when I failed to finish A Tale of Two Cities in 5th grade.  I was certainly capable of reading at that time, and had been reading for a number of years already, but conceptually there were ideas I could not yet grasp fully.  As I advanced in my understanding and experience of the world, more and more books have opened up to me, but I was not less of a reader as a 6-year-old than I am now.  The day words began to have meaning instead of being mysterious symbols I could not comprehend, I became a reader and have been one ever since.

Similarly, I think our spiritual journeys often parallel the experience I had with reading.  When I accepted Jesus at four, there were many concepts and truths I didn't understand fully or even knew existed.  Grace and sanctification, joy and trust, propitiation and redemption.  Words that I could never have defined for you on that couch in South Carolina, but Jesus was starting a work in my heart even then.

As we grow in our faith there are often watershed moments.  When I first began to really understand grace, I had already been a Christian for a very long time.  It was a face-palming moment.  How could I have been so blind to a grace that has been here all along?  This concept is so integral to my faith. Why had I fought against it for so many years?

The longer we are Christians, the more time we have to understand a God so big and so great that even after we have spent thousands of years with Him in heaven we will only have dipped our toes into the unfathomable depths of His being.

There is no shame in recognizing how much you didn't understand about your faith when you first started, whether as a child or much later.  There is no shame in realizing how wrong you may have been about God even as you grew to love Him.

Sometimes I think in church we recommit ourselves to God over and over again, not just as an adjustment in the trajectory towards Him, but in face-reddening shame, feeling like we were never Christians in the first place.  Sometimes this may be true, but I think we are missing the fact that we are works in a process of sanctification.  No acceptance of the gospel equals spiritual perfection.  If that were true, we'd all need a do-over because none of us are perfect.  That's why we need Jesus.

If I had been told I didn't understand reading as a child because I couldn't yet read Tolstoy or Dickens, I probably would have quit right then.  If teachers thought they had to have their students reading Paradise Lost in kindergarten, they wouldn't try teaching children to read at all.

I think we do this with children or the childlike when teaching spiritual truths and concepts.  Children's ministries suffer when people think that children can't fully understand the gospel.  People with disabilities can be neglected altogether because they do not have the attention span to sit through a normal Sunday school presentation and tend to be disruptive.  Jesus was willing to share the good news to people of all levels.  He asked for the little children to be brought to him.  He stuck with the disciples even though they repeatedly misunderstood His teachings and calling.  In fact Jesus even said we have something to learn from the way children accept the gospel, "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."  Luke 18:17

God doesn't expect us to get everything right at the moment of salvation, so we can rest knowing that our spiritual experiences are genuine even if we don't have all the pieces yet.  We can go forth and share the gospel with confidence knowing that we are all works in progress, and newer, deeper spiritual experience doesn't negate the effect the gospel has already had on our lives.

It's not failure when we admit we don't understand everything.  Knowing that we don't know everything is the posture of a learner.  The only failure is in refusing to learn and grow beyond where you are currently.

If I never moved on from Dr. Seuss and Curious George to read deeper and more complicated works of literature, my life would be less rich and my understanding of the world far narrower.  I would not have ceased to be a reader, but I would have missed out on so much.

So let's run further up and further in, chasing God through our lives, seeking to understand Him better and better each day.  Some days we may feel like giving up, as I did reading novels that were out of my depth, but I promise, those moments where God reveals to you something you never understood before but struggled with your whole life, those moments are worth the journey and the struggle to get there.

strength in weakness

I hate failure. And failure is where I am. I perceive failure in every movement of my being.

Friendships. Fail.

Work. Fail.

Art & Writing. Fail.

Housekeeping. Epic fail.

I was beating myself up today over all of the things I just can't seem to get right. Why do I still struggle? Why am I still so weak? Why am I a failure?

I sat and cried and pondered the things I haven't accomplished. The things I have messed up. The people I have offended. The unused potential. The distance between me and my God.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

These verses breathe new life into me. Christ's power is made perfect in my weakness. It shouldn't come as any surprise to me that I fail, that I'm weak, that I can't do it on my own. In fact, there is grace in the recognition of weakness, for then in Christ I am strong.

When I am weak at work, at home, at church, in relationships... it is in those moments that Christ can be magnified as He proves Himself strong though I am weak, though I fail.

I don't need to pity myself for my weakness, and cry over my failings. I must turn my eyes upon Jesus, and rely on Him for His strength and grace in my darkness.

And in the darkness, when I have no words, the Spirit intercedes.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words." Romans 8:26

How wonderful is it that we have a Savior who is greater than all our sin? A Savior who is strong in our weakness? A Spirit that intercedes for us? A Father who loves us?

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

Jesus walked on this earth and experienced life as a human being. He knows our weakness through experience, but He overcame them. He will give us grace and mercy in our time of need. How wonderful, how divine is the love of Christ for us?

This day was not easy for me, but it has brought me closer to the One who knows me by name and is strong in my weakness. May you find mercy, grace, hope, love, and strength in your Savior.

to write a novel

I have been thinking about writing a novel. Problem. I don't know what I'm going to write about. I dream about the day I will be struck with that golden idea.... an idea that has the depth to last for two hundred or more pages.

I have had thoughts on what to write a novel on, and sometimes I think they have potential. But I worry that its me, not the idea. I don't know that I will ever have the skill or stamina to write an epic story. My efforts have been short and brief at best. Probably two pages.

How do I become Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Victor Hugo, Charles Dickens, C.S. Lewis, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Ernest Hemingway, etc.? Maybe by not watching television, wasting time on the internet, etc. Regardless of how I currently spend my time, how I can I shape my mind to think like a novelist?

I like thinking about the book Les Miserables for the purpose of novel idea formation. This story has one of the best redemptive story lines, ever. It paints a beautiful picture of the human condition and the effects of grace without being heavy handed. I would love to write a story like that... a story that is full of grace, true to life (Flannery O'Connor-esque if need be)... real.

I want write about characters that are full, so well-developed that they rise from the pages and permeate your imagination. They stay with you, you reference them, you admire them, you loathe them, you love them.

I want to write a story that is familiar, in that it reminds you of life, of people you know. But it is unexpected, it looks at things from another viewpoint.

Les Miserables is a masterpiece, as well as all the other books by the authors I have mentioned. I doubt that I could ever light a candle next to those brilliant fires. I do want to try and write one good story before I die though.

Just writing this now brought to mind an idea I had long forgotten about... maybe I'll kick it around this time, sketch it out. You never know.

forgiven

"To err is human, to forgive, divine." Alexander Pope

I have been pondering the difficulty and blessing of forgiveness over the last two weeks. Not just pondering, I guess, more like living forgiveness. Its pretty interesting too that I had to be on both sides of it. I have needed forgiveness and needed to give it on two separate occasions.

Somedays I don't know which is worse.

It is difficult at times to forgive. To forgive someone who has wronged, particularly when you have been wronged repeatedly in the exact fashion of the previous offense. Saying this I feel myself echoing Peter's question, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus answers Peter and I, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven."

It's a hard saying. It feels as though you have no protection from the pain. Seventy times seven, the ultimate number isn't important, it's the idea that forgiveness is unlimited.... and when I don't forgive, the resentment simmers, threatening to boil over.

I had to work on this one last week, I needed to forgive. I had forgiven previous offenses, but the last couple were festering in my soul. I knew it wasn't holy, and I asked God for help. He came through. Forgiveness.

I forgave and let God calm my stormy waters. And I must forgive repeatedly until the wrong is forgotten, lost in love.

I also struggled with being forgiven recently.

I hate making mistakes. I weep my eyes out and beat my soul and mind silly over them. Hearing that I'm forgiven after I have personally flogged myself is always so wonderful, but I always have to take care that I don't continue the torture after I'm forgiven.

Maybe I think the self-punishment will merit forgiveness. Maybe I just feel too deeply. Maybe it's pride. Whatever it is, I don't always just take the forgiveness easily, it works itself in slowly.

I particularly hate it when the person I wronged is the person I love the most in the world, my husband. Hurting him is one of my worst nightmares. And I punish myself thoroughly for it. He is always so quick to forgive when I ask him. It puzzles me. I expect anger, frustration. But he forgives and reminds me that he will always love me, and he loves me just the same as he did before if not more.

Why is this unexpected, even confusing? Because it isn't our nature, remember what Pope said? It's divine.

God forgives, humans don't. We hang onto the pain when we ourselves are hurt, or we punish ourselves for the pain we have caused.

Jesus Himself, who carried the sin of the world on His shoulders and was wrongly killed though innocent and perfect... forgave us while on the cross. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34

How powerful, how divine. It puts my efforts at forgiveness into perspective. God has forgiven me all, can I not forgive my brothers, my sisters? God has forgiven and taught others to forgive, can I not accept forgiveness from others?

Forgiveness is the kind of thing I think I have under control when there is no one that needs my forgiveness. These last couple weeks were a good reality check. Forgiveness must be a way of life.

I am so thankful that there are people in my life that have taught me forgiveness first hand. Tim, thank you for showing me what forgiveness looks like again. I love you.

My prayer is that I will be quick to forgive and eager to love. Jesus, please make me more like You.

i will be grateful

Yesterday I had a serious case of the down in the dumps. Work wasn't bad, the day wasn't awful. I was just low. This is usually a sure sign that I need to be closer to God. And, as usual, that was true.

Today I started the day following more faithfully. And it made all the difference. I felt joyful, and grateful. Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful to be alive, talking, and walking.

2. I am grateful that God never gives up on me.

3. I am grateful to have an understanding and ever loving husband.

4. I am grateful for our wonderful families.

5. I am grateful for friends.

6. I am grateful for art projects.

7. I am grateful for food on the table.

8. I am grateful for beautiful weather.

9. I am grateful for music.

This list goes on, but I know that it is important for me to stop, breathe, and reflect upon the beautiful things that God has given me and my loved ones. It's definitely something to sing about. What are you grateful for today?

every good gift

Yesterday I posted about a week with Jesus. Today, I gave the day to Jesus. It's funny, even though today wasn't free of the trials I have been experiencing day to day, it was different. I found myself praying, over and over, at the darkest point of my day. And it made all the difference. Jesus was with me today, and it was beautiful.

I have hope for tomorrow, and I can say without a doubt it is because of Him.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

Thank You Father, Thank You Son, Thank You Holy Spirit. You took today and made it good. Tomorrow and everyday is Yours.

a fortnight and a half in review

Wow. The last few weeks have been crazy. Good, stressful, tearful, and blessed. Can all of those things be contained in 21 days? Certainly.

I have been wanting to write all this time and I haven't found the space in between family, church, work, vacation, a wedding, and friends.

Generally, I write lovely monday posts on Mondays. Today, I'm going to write a little differently. Today, I elaborate.

A fortnight and a half in review:

1. The week before our vacation with family was one of the most stressful weeks at work ever. Period. But somehow, even though I was frustrated and cried many tears, I didn't collapse like other weeks. I found strength in the Lord through the Psalms. God was my refuge, a very present help in my time of trouble. My weaknesses didn't disappear, but God was strong in every circumstance.

2. We went on vacation with Tim's family to the Northwoods. It was very relaxing and fun. We got to spend quality time with Tim's parents, siblings, their spouses, and our adorable nieces and nephews. We also took hikes, boat rides, waterskied, and fished. I caught a ten-inch bass with Tim, and I'm pretty sure it was the first decent fish I had ever cast for and reeled in. Thank you husband for the valuable fishing lesson, that bass was a small beauty.

3. Saturday my dear brother Isaac married his lovely wife Alysa. I am so happy for them, and I'm so excited to see where God takes them in the future. Like I said in my last blog, I'm looking forward to the day they live next door to Tim and I so our future children can grow up together. Well, unless the Lord wills it that may never happen.... but even so I'm looking forward to family reunions, and trips to each other's homes, and all other good things that come with growing up.

4. My roommate from college and her husband came to stay with us over the weekend and came to the wedding. It was so fun to hang out with them, we are very blessed by their friendship.

5. Yesterday Tim and I played our first show in awhile at a church on the North Shore. It was extremely fun, we enjoyed playing and talking to people that came and the other musicians that played after the show. We are hoping that this show will give us a little momentum as we look into playing some more.

6. I started my new position at work today, and felt very relaxed... and very little stress. It was awesome. I'm looking forward to dreaming, writing, and singing more with the extra mental energy I experienced today.

7. God's love and faithfulness to Tim and I is never ending. I am overwhelmed with how He has cared for us this year, and amazed at how He continues to draw Tim and I closer to Himself and to each other.

These are a few lovely happenings from my past few weeks... hopefully it wasn't too boring. How is God working in your life? What beautiful things did you see today? I'd love to hear about them. Love and peace.

grace over guilt

Why is grace so surprising? Today..... nineteen years after I started following Christ?

I keep coming back to it, after trying again, only to realize... "Silly Abby, works are for kids."

Actually, good works seem to trip us all up, whether we are young or grown-up....and if it isn't pride over holiness, it is guilt. That all consuming, spirit paralyzing guilt. Or it's both, rapidly succeeding each other in turn... pride over the good, guilt over the pride.

As a follower of Christ, so often I find myself beating up my soul over the good I cannot do.

For example:

Why can't I love that person?

Why do I obsess over my image?

Why am I sad, instead of thankful?

Why don't I read my Bible and pray like I should?

Why don't I love God more?

Why do I say stupid things?

Why don't I tell people about Christ?

Why do I worry about what others think?

Why do I get distracted in worship?

Why am I self absorbed?

And the guilt crushes, and the list of the undone and things done I feel bad about could go on forever.

And God says, "I love you Abby."

What? Didn't you just hear my list? And Lord, I know You know the evil in me that I don't even know about. You love me?

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him may not perish, but have eternal life."

I forget that God so loved me, and He already knew my list. That terrible list. And He sent Jesus to free me from the sin that ensnares me.

Lately, I have been seeing just how much God is the one who works in my life. So many good things have been happening.... and I stand in awe and say, "Without the Lord and His grace, not one thing would have been possible." I can truly say all good comes from the Father. He's freeing me from the filthy rags, the works I cannot perform.... and showing me what life is like when all good is attributed to Him... and I stop trying to save myself.

Life with God really is beautiful. I don't have to prove to Him that I will overcome my list, He can overcome it in my life through His power. How amazing is that?

His grace makes me laugh for joy. I'm lost in His love.