don't worry about tomorrow

Life is often a mess of worry and stress.  I started a new job a couple months ago.  I'm still working with adults with disabilities.  Same building, new programs, different non-profit, schedule change.  Now I work after-school programs and a Saturday program.

I underestimated the amount of stress I would feel with all the changes and the added responsibility of being a supervisor.  I find each week my stress level goes higher and higher until it reaches its peak on Friday evening as I feel unprepared for my biggest program on Saturday, and it slowly comes back to normal by Saturday evening.

I allow too many worries to flood my mind... worried that my class plans stink, that the staff think I'm ill-suited for the position and disorganized, that there is going to be a behavior I can't handle, that a parent is upset with me for a phone conversation that was confusing, and so on.

Despite all this anxiety, every Saturday night, even when the week had some hiccups I look back and say, "I didn't need to worry that much."  The stress that I allowed didn't make me more productive, more secure, more confident, more anything but unhappy and sick to my stomach.

On Wednesday evening last week I randomly decided to read from Matthew 6 before I went to bed.  I usually choose something from the Psalms but felt lead to the gospel.  I read the section about the birds and the lilies... and came to the final verse.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  Matthew 6:34

As I read that passage and felt its comforting truth seep into my soul I realized that what I deemed a random choosing of a passage was a divine moment from the Father.  There were the words of Jesus, speaking into my life what I needed at that very moment.

It is so easy to be anxious and worry.  I think I mistake it at times for planning ahead, but there is a difference.  Planning ahead shouldn't make me feel sick in the morning and weepy at night.  Anxiety is an absence of trust, and I felt convicted.  I hadn't been trusting that God was going to take care of me.  I didn't trust that He could take care of me when I inevitably made mistakes and didn't handle things the right way.  When I didn't have things planned perfectly or when I just plain failed.

Thursday morning I re-read the passage in Matthew 6.  I felt so much better, and drove to work without worry.   As the day rolled on I was amazed to see how many things I was able to accomplish, but more than that my heart was at peace and free from anxiety.

"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

I write this with an understanding that I am terrible at it.  Even as last week improved there were times on Friday and Saturday that I was tempted to revert to my old, well-worn habits.  It is almost humorous that it is so tempting to make ourselves feel so sick with worry about things we can or can't control.

An inner focus can only lead to sadness, anxiety, depression, doubt, and other unpleasant and downright awful consequences.  I've experienced these things and I don't want to continue the cycle.

I pray that the following verse would be a reality for me everyday, no matter how great or small the obstacles may be.

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation."  Isaiah 12:2

every day beautiful, every day sacred

I've been listening to the soundtrack to the movie Amelie repeatedly on Spotify the last couple days. Sometimes I like to think of different songs as the soundtrack to my life, and the Amelie songs by Yann Tiersen are so wonderful. They are light, they are moving, they are happy, they are sad. They run the gamut of daily emotions and color them beautifully. They make the everyday seem extraordinary.

If you have seen the movie Amelie, the heroine makes everyone's lives around her better in beautiful, caring ways. Amelie doesn't live in extraordinary circumstances. She has a mostly normal life, works at a diner. Doesn't really get to travel or do incredible things, but that doesn't stop her from living creatively and finding adventures.

I love how Amelie's care for the people around her makes her world beautiful. The everyday goes from being normal and commonplace to lovely and meaningful.

While the movie has some questionable content, the overall theme makes me want to make life beautiful where I am too. I want to live each day purposefully for Jesus and others. I want every day to be sacred.

Last night I was feeling down about work. Tim and I listened to a sermon by Tim Keller. Keller preached on Ephesians 6:5-9. In the passage Paul is addressing the relationships of slaves to masters and masters to slaves. Keller illuminated the context and showed that in many ways the slavery of Paul's day was more like our present day work situations than the slavery we are familiar with. We are supposed to honor our masters, our mangers as unto the Lord. Unto the Lord. He said that the way to make work bearable, make life meaningful, is to work for Jesus. Whether you are mopping floors or running a Fortune 500 company, you will only experience true joy and purpose when Jesus is your Manager, your Captain.

Keller did a good job explaining why every job is important in God's economy, from the lowest to the most praiseworthy of occupations. Our world simply cannot function if it isn't maintained, cleaned, managed, and cared for. Every task is important. Every work is beautiful when accomplished for Jesus.

Honestly, I felt frustrated when we were finished listening to the sermon. I thought, “Thanks Keller, that's easy for you to say. You are a pastor, your direct manager is God. Don't tell me how to do my job better, you don't know what it is like to be me.”

Not a cool reaction, but that is what I felt, even though I knew it was wrong. I felt convicted, I know there are unhealthy ways that I work and I don't usually work as unto the Lord. I don't work like I'm working for Jesus.

Tim and I debriefed the sermon together and when I woke up this morning I prayed, “Jesus, please help me work today for You.”

I felt more at peace today at work, enjoyed the people I serve, and felt all around better. Really better.

If it is so much easier for me to just work for Jesus, why the pain, why the anger?

Part of the struggle for me, and its a struggle I've been dealing with for years... I don't want to admit that I may be called to something that is hard for me, something that I don't love. I have felt that admitting that I'm called to something that I didn't dream of doing makes me a failure, and that ultimately I'll just be unhappy. I don't want to give up my perceived right to my own calling (which, if I'm the one doing the calling, it isn't much of calling anyway, is it?). I don't want to give away my right to a future I'm satisfied with. I don't want to give up my dreams to anyone, even God.

This morning, I again gave to God these things that I hold on to. My dreams and hopes for the future. I know that I just suffocate them when I hold them in my grubby hands.  They are always safer in His.

I had a bit of a personal watershed moment after listening to the sermon when I realized that I struggle with calling, purpose, and so on because I see every path as leading to a different me. There is the childless Abby that works a job she doesn't really like but gets to do some cool things because she has less responsibilities, maybe writes a book, learns a little French, has a dog, goes to Europe with Tim, and teaches a little poetry on the side.

There is the mother Abby, five babies in tow, enjoying the wonder of childhood and helping out at church with Tim. She doesn't get to do things she dreamed of doing but its ok because she has five cute little Tim's to care for and love.

There is the Abby that gets any number of the above things and isn't happy with any of them. And wonders what it is she really wanted in the first place.

Those are just a few examples of my bat-brained thinking, but it really effects how I live my everyday. Last night I realized that I need to stop thinking of the two possible Abbys, or three, or four and just focus on being the one Abby God has called me to be. The Abby that follows Jesus above all things. To not compartmentalize my future into possibilities based on what life events occur. Follow Jesus, do the things I love for Him. You have no idea how freeing that simple idea is to my heart.

Tim reminded me to just look at what my calling is for today. Love Jesus, love the people around me. Today that meant going to work, tomorrow it may too, but it doesn't mean that today's day is the way it will be forever.

This is a new perspective on life for me, one that I have known to be truth but not truly lived. This is a work in progress of course, even as I write this I feel the old doubts creeping back in, struggling to master my heart.  But I desire to make the everyday beautiful, sacred through loving Jesus and loving others. It doesn't matter if every dream doesn't pan out perfectly or if any do. It doesn't matter if I die tomorrow, am paralyzed in a year, never have children, or never set foot on the streets of Paris. It doesn't matter if I work in the same place for twenty more years, if I never write a book. Jesus is greater and the only thing that matters to me is that I grow closer to Him and see His face. My life can be simple and beautiful because Jesus is my Captain. The rest is gravy.

like elijah

"And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire, the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" He said, "I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, thrown down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life to take it away." 1 Kings 19:12-14

Elijah at this point in 1 Kings is afraid for his life. God has used him to defeat and kill all of the priests of Baal. The wicked Queen Jezebel wants to kill him and Elijah flees for his life. Talk about a stressful situation. Talk about being alone.

Even though I have had no reason to fear for my life like Elijah, I have felt alone in the world (think work). It can be difficult to be the only Christian, the only God-fearer in a place that is sometimes swamped with darkness. Recently though, I have heard the voice of God.

"Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him." 1 Kings 19:18

Lately I have been having faith conversations with people at my job. I cannot say where each of them are at in their path to Christ, but I know now that I'm not alone like I thought. The last couple weeks at work I have had two of the girls tell me they would be praying for me. It was like a breath of fresh air after nearly two years of feeling like the only one praying. It felt like God rolled back the clouds around Mt. Horeb and showed me His people, "Yet I will leave..."

God is working in more ways than we will ever know, even in the darkest situations like Elijah's, He is always present. May we never forget that though we feel alone, He is with us and His body of believers is still present in the world.

"And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

everyday joy

Today was a real doozy. The afternoon at least. On the way home from work Tim and I decided we would put a little distance between ourselves and the day. I debriefed with him and then we prayed for everyone involved at work. I felt lighter, and I feel so much love for the people I am privileged to spend each day with... each one of them a unique member of God's creation. This reminded once again why prayer is amazing. God can change any circumstance into something beautiful.

Tim treated me to dinner at Portillo's and a little date to Barnes and Noble. Per family tradition I had a hot dog; the Brooklyn blood lives on! For dessert, Tim had a chocolate shake and I had a caramel latte. I learned something new today- caramel syrup at Starbuck's does not have corn syrup in it. Boo ya.

We sat and looked at some magazines, and after thoroughly enjoying "Country Living- British Edition" and the French "Marie Claire Idées" I considered the following things:

1. I can't wait until Tim and I go on our dream trip to Europe (time of arrival yet undetermined)

2. I love gardens and I can't wait until we have our own little plot of earth (maybe a rooftop garden someday?)

3. I love the color blue- I love it on walls, dishes, clothes, everything. Calm colors are always a good choice.

4. I like sitting in the cookbook section.

5. I'm so grateful to be alive and spend an evening relaxing with my best friend.

I found a lot of comfort today in the knowledge that God made everyone and made every good thing- art, food, design, gardens, language, love, and on and on.

God has created so many good and lovely things. He is so good, I'm very thankful that He abides with me and knows me. May we all know Him better each and every day. Our ever constant, everlasting source of joy.

a week with Jesus

For the days I wake up with bags under my eyes, greasy hair, and a nasty film over my teeth. The alarm startles my dreams and remind me it's time to leave my husband and cozy bed to hit the shower. Tim and I get into the car and commute to school/work and I say "I don't want this day, I'm ready for tomorrow."

Tim has graciously told me on several occasions that I should just give those days to God, especially since I don't seem to want them. Maybe He can make something good out of a day that seemed like a waste before it even began.

Sometimes I take this advice well, I pray and the day is new. Sometimes I don't. I insist that all I want to do is u-turn, go home, crawl into bed, and sip chamomile tea until evening rush hour is over. Since jobs pay the bills, I go to work anyway, and wander my way through a purposeless day, tired and ill-humored inside.

I don't want to live another day like this. I want to change my perspective on life, where everyday is lived for Christ and given to Him... whether I am ready for the day or not. It's hard to remember this when circumstances are rough, be it small (I didn't get enough sleep) or big (spiritual trials at work or home).

I'm sure, as always, that the answer lies where my heart is.... focused on myself or focused on Christ. Can my whole life revolve around Him the way it has revolved around me the last 23 years? What if I breathed, spoke, dreamed and lived Jesus all day long? I know this would change the look of my everyday, and this week I'm going to pursue this reality.

How do you feel about this? If you are anything like me, this probably seems impossible. And it is. I can't do it myself, neither can you. Don't feel bad, descendants of Adam and Eve are notoriously self-centered. I think the way to live like Jesus is to give every part of your life to Him. Let Him work in you.

So, it is easy for me to write this on Sunday, a day that I slept in, went to church, and have a free evening. It is difficult to live this tomorrow, an early Monday back at work, staring down another week. Everyday this week my goal is to verbally give the day to Jesus in the morning, whether or not I am ready for the day... and see where He takes it.

I think, regardless of alarm clocks, long hours, greasy hair, and traffic this is going to be a good week. Why? Because it doesn't belong to me anymore.

"Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise."

I love You Jesus.

a lesson in encouragement

Thursday morning. Two words. Sorely trying. In other words, very difficult. I work at a day program for adults with disabilities. The job is very rewarding and fun, and it can also be very draining. I generally shy away from writing about my job to protect the privacy of the participants and their families. But, I wanted to share this story today.

Thursday morning had had its fair share of meltdowns by 12:20 in the afternoon. I was feeling slightly (understatement) frazzled by the time I had finished my lunch. I was praying, "Lord, please help me make it through this day." I sat down in the lunch room, and one of the participants, I'll call her Elizabeth, looked across the table at me and said, "Hi Abby!" with a big grin on her face. "Hi Elizabeth." I smiled back. "I miss you Abby, I have fun with you." Elizabeth replied, still grinning.

Talk about heartwarming.

Elizabeth's small act of encouragement gave me a burst of energy for the rest of the day. I smiled more, I laughed with more joy. I knew someone was happy that I made it to work that morning, and it made all the difference.

I want to be more like Elizabeth. I would love to be the bright spot in someone else's day. I want to be an intentional encourager. I want to see the beauty that God has created in other individuals, and speak a little joy into their lives.

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up."

1 Thessalonians 5:11