every day beautiful, every day sacred

I've been listening to the soundtrack to the movie Amelie repeatedly on Spotify the last couple days. Sometimes I like to think of different songs as the soundtrack to my life, and the Amelie songs by Yann Tiersen are so wonderful. They are light, they are moving, they are happy, they are sad. They run the gamut of daily emotions and color them beautifully. They make the everyday seem extraordinary.

If you have seen the movie Amelie, the heroine makes everyone's lives around her better in beautiful, caring ways. Amelie doesn't live in extraordinary circumstances. She has a mostly normal life, works at a diner. Doesn't really get to travel or do incredible things, but that doesn't stop her from living creatively and finding adventures.

I love how Amelie's care for the people around her makes her world beautiful. The everyday goes from being normal and commonplace to lovely and meaningful.

While the movie has some questionable content, the overall theme makes me want to make life beautiful where I am too. I want to live each day purposefully for Jesus and others. I want every day to be sacred.

Last night I was feeling down about work. Tim and I listened to a sermon by Tim Keller. Keller preached on Ephesians 6:5-9. In the passage Paul is addressing the relationships of slaves to masters and masters to slaves. Keller illuminated the context and showed that in many ways the slavery of Paul's day was more like our present day work situations than the slavery we are familiar with. We are supposed to honor our masters, our mangers as unto the Lord. Unto the Lord. He said that the way to make work bearable, make life meaningful, is to work for Jesus. Whether you are mopping floors or running a Fortune 500 company, you will only experience true joy and purpose when Jesus is your Manager, your Captain.

Keller did a good job explaining why every job is important in God's economy, from the lowest to the most praiseworthy of occupations. Our world simply cannot function if it isn't maintained, cleaned, managed, and cared for. Every task is important. Every work is beautiful when accomplished for Jesus.

Honestly, I felt frustrated when we were finished listening to the sermon. I thought, “Thanks Keller, that's easy for you to say. You are a pastor, your direct manager is God. Don't tell me how to do my job better, you don't know what it is like to be me.”

Not a cool reaction, but that is what I felt, even though I knew it was wrong. I felt convicted, I know there are unhealthy ways that I work and I don't usually work as unto the Lord. I don't work like I'm working for Jesus.

Tim and I debriefed the sermon together and when I woke up this morning I prayed, “Jesus, please help me work today for You.”

I felt more at peace today at work, enjoyed the people I serve, and felt all around better. Really better.

If it is so much easier for me to just work for Jesus, why the pain, why the anger?

Part of the struggle for me, and its a struggle I've been dealing with for years... I don't want to admit that I may be called to something that is hard for me, something that I don't love. I have felt that admitting that I'm called to something that I didn't dream of doing makes me a failure, and that ultimately I'll just be unhappy. I don't want to give up my perceived right to my own calling (which, if I'm the one doing the calling, it isn't much of calling anyway, is it?). I don't want to give away my right to a future I'm satisfied with. I don't want to give up my dreams to anyone, even God.

This morning, I again gave to God these things that I hold on to. My dreams and hopes for the future. I know that I just suffocate them when I hold them in my grubby hands.  They are always safer in His.

I had a bit of a personal watershed moment after listening to the sermon when I realized that I struggle with calling, purpose, and so on because I see every path as leading to a different me. There is the childless Abby that works a job she doesn't really like but gets to do some cool things because she has less responsibilities, maybe writes a book, learns a little French, has a dog, goes to Europe with Tim, and teaches a little poetry on the side.

There is the mother Abby, five babies in tow, enjoying the wonder of childhood and helping out at church with Tim. She doesn't get to do things she dreamed of doing but its ok because she has five cute little Tim's to care for and love.

There is the Abby that gets any number of the above things and isn't happy with any of them. And wonders what it is she really wanted in the first place.

Those are just a few examples of my bat-brained thinking, but it really effects how I live my everyday. Last night I realized that I need to stop thinking of the two possible Abbys, or three, or four and just focus on being the one Abby God has called me to be. The Abby that follows Jesus above all things. To not compartmentalize my future into possibilities based on what life events occur. Follow Jesus, do the things I love for Him. You have no idea how freeing that simple idea is to my heart.

Tim reminded me to just look at what my calling is for today. Love Jesus, love the people around me. Today that meant going to work, tomorrow it may too, but it doesn't mean that today's day is the way it will be forever.

This is a new perspective on life for me, one that I have known to be truth but not truly lived. This is a work in progress of course, even as I write this I feel the old doubts creeping back in, struggling to master my heart.  But I desire to make the everyday beautiful, sacred through loving Jesus and loving others. It doesn't matter if every dream doesn't pan out perfectly or if any do. It doesn't matter if I die tomorrow, am paralyzed in a year, never have children, or never set foot on the streets of Paris. It doesn't matter if I work in the same place for twenty more years, if I never write a book. Jesus is greater and the only thing that matters to me is that I grow closer to Him and see His face. My life can be simple and beautiful because Jesus is my Captain. The rest is gravy.

bicycles, climbing trees, and cassette tapes

I think about being a kid sometimes. Some things make me think about being a kid. An old home, an old album, and a bike.

Tim and I started riding bikes, again. I say again because in the past we were both avid bike riders, for me that was about 14 years ago. My friends, brother, and I would ride back and forth on a frontage road by our old farmhouse. I don't remember why we didn't get bored riding that same path to and fro, but I know we loved to ride. I recently recalled a memory I blocked out from embarrassment. I had learned to ride with no hands, and decided to ride with my eyes shut as well. Within seconds I was in the ditch with fresh scrapes and bruises. Nobody knew why, I would never tell.

We've been riding our bikes on the lakefront path. It makes me feel like a kid again, the cool breeze whipping round my face, teasing out my flyaways as we pass walkers and runners- and get passed by more serious bikers with spandex shorts. Your heart feels full from the intoxicating blend of wind, sun, and movement. Once again, I love to ride my bike.

A couple weekends ago we visited the old farmhouse where my grandparents still live. I hadn't been there in the summertime in years. We climbed the old tree, and I marveled at our ability as kids to scale it. Sure, it has gotten a little taller, but so have I. My first time in that tree I was afraid and called out to my mom for help. She instructed me to jump and assured me I would be just fine. The landing sent shockwaves up my legs, but they wore off quickly enough. Soon we were climbing that tree everyday, hatching plans and forming clubs. Tim and I sat in that tree together, and I wondered at the passage of time.

That house always makes me happy, and it's bittersweet. I love to be there. Every sidewalk crack, bush, and room has a thousand stories from childhood. I love to remember, and I grieve. I grieve the days when I was small, when I was child in my family, when the days were long and full of tiny adventures. And I'm happy, happy to remember those days and grateful that they ever were. Grateful to be with my family, my grandparents, and share those memories with my husband.

The other day I was shuffling my iPod and a song from Jars of Clay's first album played, Worlds Apart. I was immediately transported back into the family van, driving around the college town we lived outside of listening to that cassette tape. The songs from that album made me feel things, feelings that were not always informed by the lyrics (which I did not understand), but I felt just the same. Feelings of joy and sadness. Longing. I felt those again as I stood in our apartment, washing our blue dishes, making dinner.

All of these things make me sad and make me happy at the same time. The feeling is complex and common to man. I think we all long for the past and relish its remembrance, but we also love now. There are lessons I had to learn back then and in the years to follow that I do not want to be reminded of. There was sadness, there were humiliations that stung, separations that ached. But in these memories I am reminded that God is so good and so gracious. Life is full of many joys, some profound and some small, like bicycles, climbing trees, and cassette tapes.

I am thankful for my family, for my husband. I am thankful for the ways God has provided for all of us. I am thankful for the lightning bugs and summer nights. I am thankful that God has been with me every step of this life, through every joy and sorrow, and I will spend eternity with Him. I think I'm ready to go ride my bike and make some new memories. Thank You God for bicycles, climbing trees, and cassette tapes.

despair not

A week ago we had a worship night at church. It was great to spend an extended amount of time worshipping. So often my thoughts get lost in the shuffle on Sunday mornings, and it was so good to spend an hour praising God through song.

One song's lyrics really struck me in particular that night, "Before the Throne of God Above."

"When Satan tempts me to despair,

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there,

Who made an end to all my sin."

Unfortunately for me, I am tempted to despair all too often. It might be the number one way to bring me down. Whether it is depressed thoughts on the way to work in the morning, freak out mode before a large group event, or just a bad case of the doldrums I tend to despair.

I don't know how many of you fall into depression, but if you do, you know that the easiest place to look is never up. Your eyes are trained inward or downward. One sad thought leads to another and you are lying on your bed crying your eyes out before you know it.

My mind is often filled with depression, "I look fat today. I can't work one more day at this job. She must be upset with me. I don't have it in me. I feel sick, I'm just not getting better. I just.... can't."

So that was last week for me. And that song struck me on Friday, struck me in between the eyes.

And then I read from "Keep a Quiet Heart." Elliot wrote about how prayer is a battle, one that Satan desperately doesn't want me to engage in. If I work fine, but pray? That is the last thing he wants.

Where would the evil one like to keep me? In a state of prayerless despair.

This week was different. While work didn't change, I changed and I enjoyed it. I felt rested even when I didn't sleep as much. I spent time with Jesus, and things were clearer. I looked up and there He was, my Love.

It wasn't perfect, but it was joyful.

I guess it takes me more than a few times to learn the same the lesson. Thankfully, He still loves, He is faithful, He is merciful.

"Be persuaded, timid soul, that He has loved you too much to cease loving you." -Archbishop Fenelon

everyday joy

Today was a real doozy. The afternoon at least. On the way home from work Tim and I decided we would put a little distance between ourselves and the day. I debriefed with him and then we prayed for everyone involved at work. I felt lighter, and I feel so much love for the people I am privileged to spend each day with... each one of them a unique member of God's creation. This reminded once again why prayer is amazing. God can change any circumstance into something beautiful.

Tim treated me to dinner at Portillo's and a little date to Barnes and Noble. Per family tradition I had a hot dog; the Brooklyn blood lives on! For dessert, Tim had a chocolate shake and I had a caramel latte. I learned something new today- caramel syrup at Starbuck's does not have corn syrup in it. Boo ya.

We sat and looked at some magazines, and after thoroughly enjoying "Country Living- British Edition" and the French "Marie Claire Idées" I considered the following things:

1. I can't wait until Tim and I go on our dream trip to Europe (time of arrival yet undetermined)

2. I love gardens and I can't wait until we have our own little plot of earth (maybe a rooftop garden someday?)

3. I love the color blue- I love it on walls, dishes, clothes, everything. Calm colors are always a good choice.

4. I like sitting in the cookbook section.

5. I'm so grateful to be alive and spend an evening relaxing with my best friend.

I found a lot of comfort today in the knowledge that God made everyone and made every good thing- art, food, design, gardens, language, love, and on and on.

God has created so many good and lovely things. He is so good, I'm very thankful that He abides with me and knows me. May we all know Him better each and every day. Our ever constant, everlasting source of joy.

it's been awhile

So I've been away from this blog for a very long while, about a month I think.

Many things have happened since then:

1. New Year's.

2. Goals made for 2011.

3. Lessons learned.

4. Still learning.

5. Back to work.

6. A youth group retreat.

7. A trip to the dentist (insert huzzahs!)

8. Birthday parties.

9. Bears.

10. Craft projects.

11. One very cold, one degree day.

12. Giving it all back to Jesus, again.

I've been learning a lot lately... a lot about myself, and I don't like most of it. Have you ever looked at yourself in a spiritual mirror and not liked the reflection? Been there lately. The beautiful thing is, God has met me there... in my miserable selfish state I have seen my insufficiencies, and I cry out all the more, "I need You Jesus! Lord, heal me!"

I have been finding such comfort in the Scriptures, in prayer, and in the words of Oswald Chambers.

"In sanctification, the one who has been born again deliberately gives up his right to himself to Jesus Christ and identifies himself entirely with God's ministry to others." My Utmost for His Highest

That quote sums up the process I have been going through the last month, giving up my right to myself... giving up my right to my way, my dreams, my plans. Giving up to Jesus my weakness, and finding my identity in Him and service to others. It kind of hurts. But it is a beautiful pain nonetheless.

I have fooled myself too many times into thinking I am "following Christ" as I pursue my own agenda. I have spent too much time fearing what will happen if my dreams don't pan out like I hoped. I have wondered too often why am I here right now? I'm done with that garbage. Its Yours Jesus, please bring me back when I stray to my own way, its all Yours.

I feel joy welling up in my heart as I right this... how relieving to let go. Hopefully this post will remind me of that joy when I start to grasp at the things I cannot hold. I love You Lord Jesus.

It's going to be a good year.

For His glory. Forever. Amen.

God with us...

I wept during our Christmas Eve service on Friday.

I had been worrying all month about missing Jesus. At the beginning of this week my husband wisely told me I should just focus on growing closer to Him, whether I truly understood Christmas or not this year. So I spent time in prayer and study, and just focused on being with Jesus.

Then God gave me a gift on Christmas Eve. We took communion, and as I sat with the bread and grape juice... I pondered the body and the blood. The body and blood of Jesus, the baby, the man, the Messiah. Joy and sorrow together washed over my soul. I know that I can't express this completely, but Jesus was there.

And Jesus is always here. He is Emmanuel, God with us. And I get to be with Him everyday, all year, all my life, for eternity.

Christmas.

lovely monday

It's been awhile since I have written one of these posts, and I figured today was as good a monday as any to write one. After a great weekend, I need to look at the the beautiful things around me to give me a little extra energy for the week. So, here is my lovely monday list for today:

1. Tim doesn't work nights or weekends anymore (huzzah!)

2. Our frequent trips to the beach.

3. Green.... the trees and grass make my eyes happy.

4. Coconut ice cream sandwiches.

5. Summer clouds.

6. Bare feet.

7. Time for art.

8. Watermelon, strawberries, peaches, and blueberries.

9. A calm day at work.

10. My third day in a row posting on my blog.

11. Family (I love you all!).

12. Falling more in love with my Savior Jesus and my husband Tim everyday.

So what makes your day lovely? I'd love to hear about it.

P.S. Here is a verse I have been trying to wrap my thoughts around lately (it's truly a wonderful list to dwell on). "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8

friends

Friends. I have missed them. Moving around can create that sort of pain. Pictured above are me and two of my dear old friends. Both of them might kill me for posting this picture on my blog, but then again, I pulled it off Facebook.

From 6th grade through junior year of high school they were two of my best friends when my family lived in Fresno. Oh, Fresno, your palm trees and endless summer....I hardly knew ye.

I talked to Kathleen for the first time in a long time on Saturday. It was amazing how easy it was to connect after not seeing each other for six years. Things have changed dramatically in both of our lives... we're both married and we barely scratched the surface when it came to catching up. The conversation was so natural, and it was very encouraging to talk to her.

Lately it seems as though friendship has been popping up all over my days, painting them with the bold colors of new friends and the well-loved soothing tones of the old.

I tend to let my friendships fizzle a little bit as time and place change. I don't really like making phone calls, they stress me out. I'm sorry if I don't call you as often as you would like me to, it's one of my stupid phobias. In fact, I wish I called you more. I'm sorry.

God really uses friendships in our lives, the new ones and the old ones. It is comforting to me to know that even if I don't see some of my friends ever again, the ones who trust in Christ I will be reunited with in heaven. And our friendship will be what it was meant to be on earth... we won't hurt each other through miscommunication anymore. No more tears.

I pray that my friends that don't know Christ will come to Him. Heaven's waiting, and I hope to see them there when all is accomplished.

I love you friends, may your days be filled with joy and peace in Christ.

lovely monday

Dear Week,

This Monday has been lovely.

1. A less stressful day at work, new energy to go on.

2. A lox and goat cream cheese sandwich.

3. Pretty clouds.

4. Homemade pizza.

5. A night at home with Tim.

6. Joy.

7. Realizing, the good gifts from today were from God. Thank You for a lovely new beginning.

Hope your Monday has been blessed. What are some things you are thankful for this week?