beloved

Saturday night I thought about heaven. Thinking about heaven always fills me with longing, hope, and bitter sadness all at the same time.

It feels me with longing because I know that I have been tainted by sin my whole life and my relationship with God is hindered by my present state of being. In heaven, this mortal coil will be shed, and I will know and love God the way I was created to. And it will be beautiful.

It fills me with hope because I know that death is not the end, eternity will follow. I will be reunited with my loved ones who have passed on, and there will be no more tears. All will be made right when Jesus reigns over us in the new heavens and the new earth.

Unfortunately, I also feel deep sadness. Verses like this "For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven." This is upsetting to me. I waited all my life for Tim, my one true love... and there will be no marriage? I worry that Tim will not belong to me as my husband, that each will know each other as deeply as anyone knows anyone. I worry that there will not be anything special about our marriage in heaven. I worry, and I worry.

I know that there is a disconnect in my heart. My love for God is not my driving passion most days. I'm not in love with Him the way that I want to be. I can say it, and sing it. But I do not trust very often that being with Him for eternity will make me happy. My love for God is not as real as my love for Tim... and that makes me protective, and fearful.

Like I've said before, Tim becomes an idol for me, I want his love to save me. Because he is here, and I can talk to him face to face, and hug him.... hear him.... see him. I don't want things to change in heaven, I want my relationship with Tim to stay the same. Deep down I know our relationship will be better than it ever can be on earth, but I remain fearful.... when will I stop falling back into a spirit of fear instead of power, love, and a sound mind?

I ask God daily that I would fall more in love with Him everyday. I know that I am farther along than I have been in the past, but oh, I have a long way to go.

How tragic it is that God loves me and sacrificed for me, and I find it difficult to love Him back? He is truly the Lover of my soul, even writing this at this very moment is making it sink in deeper than it ever has.

"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love." - C.S. Lewis

Lord, please overwhelm my heart with Your love. Please help me know and feel what it is like to be consumed with You. Please let my soul know You as its first love. I know that You are the only way, that it is only through You that I will truly love and be loved the way You have created me to be. I know that I will never love Tim the way that You want me to, and the way that he needs me to unless I love You first.

I love You Lord Jesus, please help me love You more.