I realized this weekend that I really don't like "feeling out of control."
I don't like worrying about money. I don't like having piles of laundry and a messy apartment. I don't like having spoiled food in the fridge. I don't like facing my social anxiety and cell phone. I don't like worrying about what other people think about me, who I am, and the job that I'm doing.
I realize I trust God really well when I've got things under control. Wait a second, that's not trust at all. Trust in myself maybe, but certainly not trust in God.
I don't want to come to Him messy. I don't want Him to have to fix me. I just want to do it myself. But I can't anymore. I'm too tired.
I don't want to freak out any more because things are out of my hands. I want to trust God recklessly. No more weak-hearted trust with doubt on the side. God's got this one, and all the other ones that came before it.
Lord, please help me trust You when bills are due, when the kitchen is a mess, when the phone rings, and the goat cheese is moldy. It's in Your hands, let me never forget that.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements-- surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?" Job 38: 4-7
"My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father's hand." John 10:29
These passages tell me very clearly that the Lord, Yahweh, who created the foundations of the world, should have control over my life. It's in His hands, forever and ever. Amen.