Less than a year ago I was crying out to the Lord asking Him to give us a Samuel that we could give back to Him.
A few months later I was crying in the bathroom, holding a positive pregnancy test.
Today, we are a month and half from our due date, and I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that our daughter is moving around inside me and we will soon, Lord willing, be holding her in our arms.
I've learned so much about how God really is the One holding all things together over this past year, and how little I'm in control.
When we got pregnant, it was so easy to worry. At the beginning you have little assurance that everything is going okay with your little lentil-sized baby. You can't hear the heartbeat, you can't feel her kicking, and the doctor has very little to say to you other than "I hope your nausea and vomiting subsides soon."
There is so much fear that you will do something, eat something, or that something else you can't control will happen to you that will cause you to lose this baby you have waited for, this baby that you prayed for.
And I found myself right where I was in November, on my knees, asking God to do what I could not. This time it was begging Him to sustain the life that He created inside me.
As I gave Him control over our baby's life, I realized that this wasn't something I was just going to do while I was pregnant, but something I'm going to need to do for the rest of our daughter's life, no matter how long or how short it is, for each day that God gives her. He must be the one sustaining her and giving her life.
There are so many things in this world that can cause her harm, and I won't have the power to protect her from them. Even if I kept her cooped up in the apartment with me for the rest of my life like a Miss Haversham she could still get hurt, still get burned by a broken world.
And the more effort I expend trying to control her life, that will only give her reason to hate me and the unreasonable constraints I try to impose on her for her safety.
God does use parents as a means of provision and protection for the little ones of creation. But He never intended that we try to become the gods of their lives by controlling them and protecting them from all harm. We couldn't do it even if we tried. We are helpless to give them all that they need, but God can and will be the everything for them that we could never be.
It's comforting to me to remember that the deep and overwhelming love I feel for this little one inside me is not even a fraction of the love that God has for her. He loves her more than I ever can, and that is someone I can trust with taking care of her when I am powerless and weak.
"Now they were bringing even infants to Him that He might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to Him, saying, 'Let the children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.'" Luke 18:15-17
I pray that God would protect me from ever hindering His little one from coming to Him, and I hope that everyday will be a chance for me to bring our baby girl to Him that He might touch her and make her whole.