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Heaven. This could possibly be the greatest unknown in a lifetime full of unknowns. What will it be? My ideas of heaven have always been, well, weird. I had a dream once that my mom, my dad, my brother, and I were in heaven... on a cloud, wearing blue and orange sleeping bags. I said it was a dream, did I mention I was four?

I also thought of heaven as a big swimming pool with slides and diving boards. A pool for all the world. Later, I thought of heaven as a menagerie of animals, incredibly wild, unbelievably tame. And all the pets of childhood would be there, Otis, Chester, Gertie, etc.

These things would be wonderful (especially to an eight year old), but none of them are focused on Jesus, and all of them would disappoint if that is what heaven really was. Even though I know heaven is about Jesus, I've also been afraid of it. As a girl, I was afraid of the constant worship that is written about in the Bible. If I could hardly stay focused for five worship songs on a Sunday morning, how could I sing without ceasing for eternity?

So, what is heaven anyway?

Jesus answered him, "If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:23

I think this verse is beautiful. It's comforting to know that home is being with Jesus, whether that is with His Spirit on earth or in our real home with Him in heaven. But this is also difficult. I've grown so attached to this earthly home, even to things that are not of the Spirit. I think all my life I have wanted a promise from Jesus. I want Him to tell me that heaven will be like my home on earth, the home I know, the home I love.

Yes, I'm afraid of heaven. I'm afraid that it won't measure up to this world's beauty, this world's pleasure. I'm afraid of not being married to Tim (Matt. 22:30), afraid of not living near my family. You could tell me that isn't true, that is isn't worth worrying about... but I've already told myself. Deep inside I know heaven is too wonderful for me to imagine... and I know that once I get there, I will realize that it couldn't be anything else. It must be what it will be, but the will be I cannot know.

I don't know if you have read C.S. Lewis' book The Last Battle. This book is the very last one in the Chronicles of Narnia. In it (warning: spoiler), several characters die and go to be with Aslan in heaven. Somehow, the following passage is immensely comforting to me, as I hold tightly to these Shadowlands.

"Then Aslan turned to them and said:

"You do not yet look so happy as I mean you to be."

Lucy said, "We're so afraid of being sent away, Aslan. And you have sent us back into our own world so often."

"No fear of that," said Aslan. "Have you not guessed?"

Their hearts leaped and a wild hope rose within them.

"There was a real railway accident," said Aslan softly.

"Your father and mother and all of you are- as you used to call it in the Shadowlands- dead.

The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning."

And as he spoke he no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Greatest Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." - The Last Battle

I have realized that my whole outlook on eternity must change. Death is only the beginning of the beautiful, not the end of all I love.

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In My Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going." John 14:1-4

He will draw us to Himself, He will wipe away every tear, and the Groom will lead us to His wedding feast.

"creative endeavor" sidebar

You may have noticed a change in the layout of my blog. I have a little box that shows things I'm selling on etsy.com... right now, only a few cards I have drawn. If you are interested, you can click on the box... pretty cool, huh?

I've been attempting to do more things with art, and I have been enjoying it immensely. This is one of those things. So, if anyone ever wants me to make them something, let me know. I am open to creating some special orders.

I will continue to use this space for my thoughts, and also for drawings and such. Thanks for reading!

reign Lord Jesus

Yikes. No posts in a very long time. This is a small tragedy. It means I haven't known where my head was located for a month or so. And even now, I am typing in an attempt to find it.

Do you ever feel like you are totally overwhelmed by changes and Jesus is teaching you many things... like, you can't do it on your own? I know I should have learned this lesson the last time He taught me, but somehow it doesn't sink in to my fallen brain for more than a month at a time.

Today, while riding the train home I reflected upon a couple things. First, while I prayed to my Lord to save me from myself... I listened to Sufjan Steven's sing "What Child is This?" in my headphones. Reflecting upon the Babe, the Son of Mary made me realize that Jesus came to bring peace to my heart. And I lose sight of Him, and lose hold of the joy... joy that comes from realizing He has defeated the sin that taints my life.

Secondly, my need for a Savior has not increased, it is as strong as ever. My awareness of that need, however, is growing daily.

And it is hard to accept this. I wish that being a Christian meant I was perfect at the moment of salvation. Instead, I am being sanctified. And sanctification....aches. Somehow, my dead flesh keeps begging for resuscitation and I must ask for Christ to reign in me again.

I have lots of ideas for reducing stress, ideas for how I can be more fulfilled. Instead of worrying about what I want, I should seek what Christ would have for me. Somehow, I neglect the fact that my life is no longer my own, I was bought at a price. It belongs to my Savior...

Take what I have Jesus, it worth more in Your hands that it will ever be in mine.

I want to know You, please help me want to know You.